I’m not exactly dancing, but I’m not just standing here getting soaked either. It has been raining stress and uncertainty for a long time, but this month has escalated. I flip flop between lows of emotion – tears, despair, confusion – and highs of elation – emuna, peace, power. I’m not judging myself for any of it. If my emuna stinks today, that’s just where I am, and true emuna accepts that Hashem just hasn’t given me more emuna yet. If my emuna is strong and awesome, well, that’s of course awesome so nothing to judge.
I saw a quote a long time ago in my friend’s house and again in my therapist’s office: Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain. It might always be storming. Eek. What if it’s not going to pass? What if we’re in these last days before Moshiach and everyone’s having a lot of storms that WON’T pass until he gets here? Is hopelessness going to make them pass? No. Is giving up? Nope. Is fighting them? (You’ll lose.)
Hashem will have His way, and in any moment He can wipe out a city or rescue it. In any moment He can rain down blessing or tribulation. It’s all from Him and Love. We are at His mercy, and we’re in His divine hand.
Everything gets put in perspective when I’m having a pity party for everything I’m not getting in the world that I want, then see a FB friend post about a premature birth and her baby in critical condition. My kids are healthy, thank G-d. Everything seems relative, and we’re all suffering in some way, lacking in some way, facing some kind of obstacle. Please pray for Tinok ben Avital, the baby boy in critical condition. (In the middle of that mother’s tribulation, was a miracle – she trusted her intuition that something was wrong and immediately went to the hospital, which saved her son’s life.)
Someone’s having surgery. Someone’s stuck in Houston with no food or car. Someone’s in Florida worried about losing everything. Someone’s fill in the blank with what you’re going through.
I had the opportunity to send a letter to be put in the kotel (western wall in jerusalem) yesterday. Thanks to Rivka Malka! I was struck with an overwhelming selfish feeling – I’m going to moan and complain and petition for myself, when ALL of us need this exile to end? This is so much bigger than me. It’s raining in everyone’s backyard, if you know what I mean. (Ironic with the recent hurricanes that I can also mean this quite literally!)
In my kotel letter, I prayed for moshiach to end our suffering. What if we turn our personal pain and tears into unified collective groaning and pleas for him to arrive, for the temple to be rebuilt and Hashem’s presence to be restored to the earth. Can you imagine what it will be like to experience that? I have such a strong feeling that I will be alive to witness it!! Whoah.
What if we dance together like the community in Houston is doing and people all over America are doing for Houston and Florida, rallying, unifying, speaking words of love and acceptance, helping each other, supporting each other with practical acts of kindness and generosity? What if we start being as nice on Facebook as we are in real life?
It’s the Hebrew month of teshuva (repentance), and I keep wondering with all this waiting on Hashem and delays in things I hope and long for… what repentance do I need to do here? What am I missing? What’s the message? What’s my part? What is Hashem waiting for? Why the delay? I don’t have answers yet. I don’t know if there is anything. I know they’re always room for growth. Please correct and reveal what needs to be corrected here, Hashem.
I’m continually reminding myself that we don’t always get what we want in life, and that true belief in a Higher Power means accepting that He’s not giving it to you out of Love. THAT IS SO HARD TO BELIEVE AND FEEL SOMETIMES!!!!! He’s not giving me XYZ out of Love. Bitter Lemons. And at the same time, there’s a miracle salvation available at any moment out of Love too.
Am I rambling about fluff? Do you guys hear anything from this? Please comment. I love to hear from you.
PS – Florida friends, don’t take this message literally. Get out of there!! Love and prayers…