This present moment is your victory. This present moment you have air and life and birds chirping (if you listen) and a comfy couch under your tush.
I realized today after a postponement of the child abuse trial that I may be waiting for justice on that for a very long time.
Today I got thrown back to a year ago. Today I got thrown back to your son’s in the hospital maybe-dying and you’re losing your other ones and court again and court again and court again and strangers have your fate in your hands and there’s not a thing you can do except breathe and say Ein Od Milvado a trillion times.
Today I have to consciously, purposefully remember, no I saw my kids this morning and they’re at school and at a play date and they’re so well. We’re all okay. Today.
I waited in the court room, knowing I was waiting for nothing, knowing I was getting worked up and thrown back for nothing. Then it was delayed til the fall. This could drag on for years, an expert told me. That’s really annoying, to put it mildly.
“Your challenge now is to not let this hang over your head for the next four months,” the expert says.
I’d really love to hibernate for four months, but I have to remember this is Today not Last Year and we have a life to live together. Also four months might turn into four years (Hashem please not!), but I have to look at this like a long long labor when you’re a first-time mom and you have no idea how much longer it’s going to take or how much worse it’s going to get. I’m just not willing to give a monster that many months or years of my energy.
Thank G-d Susan Poppins is with me, because we pick up the kids and go bowling. Just what you need when you find out your worst enemy’s trial is delayed for G-d knows how long, some duckpin bowling! But it turns out, yep, that’s what I needed. I watched my oldest, the Thinker crack some smiles when he got a strike or spare. I watched my middle, the Perfectionist perfectly align the dragon slide to send the ball down the lane at just the right speed. And I watched my littlest, Party in a Box his dad once named him, dance and wiggle and squat to watch how many pins would fall.
And I realized with so much joy. We’re here. We’re not waiting for anything. We’re absolutely okay. We can live for however many years without an outcome on The Abuser (as long as he stays the !@%#@ away). We have this moment. And the next and the next and then whenever the court date comes and I get my chance I’ll fight like a lion for justice for my son with G-d’s help. But I don’t need to fight today.
Of course a part of me is Waiting for Redemption until it comes. A part of me will be yearning for goodness and good things until they come. But good things are here. In this moment of duck bowling. In this moment of chicken nuggets again. In this moment of quiet after bedtime. In this moment of life.
Thank you all for your support, nice words, davening, and love today!