I am in a courtroom. I’m in the victim witness waiting room. I’m a witness, for my son, the victim. I’m the victim. (I am so tired of being the victim.) Today, I’m fairly certain, will be a delay, a formality, another step in the long hike toward justice for my son. Hashem, your justice is perfect. Bring it here.
The court building is supposed to be intimidating. Traffic, and security guards, and huge stone walls and the unpredictable scales, which way will they tip? I’ve been here before. I’ve been here so many times. Let me count them. Seven. This may be eight. This may be nine. I’ve lost count.
I’ve been here hoping for favor. I’ve been here disappointed. I’ve been here learning about letting go. I’ve been here anticipating peace. I’ve been here for war. As many times as I’ve been here, I’m still intimidated by the place, the guards, the judge, the scales, the unknown.
I’m waiting for redemption. Three years ago, my life changed drastically. Everything flipped. Divorce. Child abuse. Sometimes, when you’re in the war for so long, you think the war will never end. I can’t imagine this war being over. I know it won’t be over today. But I sit waiting in the victim witness room anyway. Waiting for redemption.
“The Talmud (Tractate Shabbat 31a) tells us that one of the questions we will be asked after 120 years will be ‘Tzipita leyeshua – Did you wait for redemption?’ Waiting for redemption makes us vulnerable. It means that one is in a constant state of yearning and need. The more a person is willing to acknowledge his need of redemption – the more he expands the vessel of neediness in himself – the more he will be granted the experience of fullness in the time of redemption.”
All my stresses and battles and court hearings swish together into one theme – elevation of Rina’s soul. I need redemption, Hashem. “A little help here?!” I hear my son copying words he’s heard from a cartoon. I need a little help here. A lot. I need help facing the bad guy. I need help influencing judge and jury. I need help accepting what happens. I need help thinking positively and believing what I want is possible. I need help being at peace inside when it’s war outside.
If I made a list of everything I needed help with, we’d be here til tomorrow.
So I’m saying “please Hashem” with my mouth and hoping he hears all my heart has to say.
What’s this all about really? I still don’t believe G-d loves me. If G-d loves me why did all this bad stuff happen? My grownup mind understands the need for life challenges to build my soul, but my little girl mind just cries Make It Stop and Love Me! You can’t explain to a little kid that their brother got abused to help everyone’s soul get elevated. You can’t explain to a little kid that it’s actually good that someone got abused. That everything is good, even the bad stuff. How can you explain that to a kid mind?
I’m a little kid today and I want kid simplicity. I want the bad guy to go to jail and the good guy to go home and order pizza. I want to know that GOOD stuff is good too, that I don’t have to have all this bad all the time, but that GOOD can be good for my soul too. I’m yearning for the good. I’m waiting for it. Please, Hashem.