I’m hesitant to write about my latest miracle, because I don’t want pity or worry or judgment. So as you read this, can you please just focus on the miracle, the Truth in this latest event in the saga called Rina’s life.
April was Pesach and I missed a lot of work. (I work by the hour.) May was the Month of Iyar (Healing), and I truly believe that Hashem lined up a lot of healing opportunities for me – Rivka Malka’s Redemption Retreat and coaching school doing intuitive body work with Rachel Welfeld and some inner child work with codependence expert Sylky Resnicoff and emuna work with the beloved Rabbi Lazer Brody. I missed a lot of real paying work for these things, knowing that I was supposed to be there, hoping the numbers would work out at the end of the month.
Then I came to the end of the month, and checked the numbers and the numbers whacked me across the head like what on earth were you thinking! It was the day before Shavuous, and I was quite short for rent June 1, the day after Shavuous. I hate feeling needy and irresponsible and inadequate to take care of myself. All those inadequacies washed over me as I saw those numbers, with a bit of fear of eviction and a big fear of just being the biggest nebach (pity case) in town. The fear of being seen as inadequate.
Then. Then I remembered Hashem and lemons. I said, “Here I am again, Hashem, and I thank you very much that I don’t have money to pay my rent. I’m kind of getting tired of this, Hashem, but I put myself here with all this healing redemption work, and You haven’t let me down in all these months of being a still-staying-at-home-but-working-now-too-mother and I’m not going to go down the road of self-deprecation. I’m just going to ask You to help me please. Please give me emuna and correct what needs to be corrected here. Thank you that I don’t have what I need.” And I went out and bought wine and tons of macaroni and cheese for my kids for Shavuous.
I have a plan brewing to make better money. But it requires lots and lots of guts. I thought of that plan and said another tefilah, “Please let this month be the last month like this.”
Then I celebrated Shavuous and ate lots of dairy, well not lots, but enough to fulfill the mitzvah. Ha. Then today came, and I needed to face the reality that I might need to get on the phone and start asking for money, which you can imagine may be the most dreadful thing a human being can do. So I checked my bank balance to procrastinate the inevitable.
And there was enough to pay my rent. When two days ago there wasn’t.
That’s it. There was enough. Just enough. Like manna. My dad had made a deposit in my account. (My real dad, not my Heavenly One. Can you imagine if the deposit had said, “Wire Transfer from Sh’mayim (Heaven)”?!) I didn’t have to beg or call or even ask anyone for anything. My dad just sent it. My Dad just sent it.
So then I got a little gutsy. I thought, “Wait a minute, if You’re really going to take care of me here, can I just do what I really want? Can I follow my actual passion and talent? Can I quit working so hard on the things I don’t want to do and just work where my heart is? Can I be brave? Will you keep doing miracles?”
The crazy thing is… I think He might. Stay tuned.
PS – We went strawberry picking today!