The only point of life, really, I have come to conclude – is to complete your soul’s mission. Rectification. Ascension. Purification. Learn the lesson your soul needed (or wanted) to learn. Take a step higher on the soul level. Tikkun. I love this word. It means “rectification or fixing.”
Rewind to reincarnation.
I grew up being taught by Christians that only heathens believed in reincarnation. We have one life, one chance. That’s it. Then Judaism came along and blew my mind and dumped all that out with the bath water (and the baby – wink, wink).
There are only so many souls. They come back again and again and again in different bodies in different lifetimes.
Maybe my neck is storing the pain of a past life’s unsolved problems. (Massage hinted to me.) Will I ever write about this coherently? Yes, but not at 10:53 at night after five days straight with the kids, G-d bless them.
I know that Hashem has a purpose for me and for all the situations that come into my life. Basic emuna.
But what if my soul had a part in planning this life? What if my soul, pre-birth in outer space somewhere (wherever souls without bodies live), strategized and co-created with Hashem to make an attempt to get it where it wanted or needed to go next? This is all about perspective, and dipping your feet into the waters of this potentially true perspective can be quite soothing.
My soul’s purpose is to learn to trust. To overcome fear. To love without reservation. To open myself to rejection, and the most amazing acceptance.
There is a girl from my childhood I was jealous of. There is a girl in my present I’m jealous of. There is a girl in my future I’ll be jealous of. They’re all telling me the same thing (and it’s NOT to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition, clearly). They all literally have a variation of the same name, and that’s a hint from my soul. There’s a message here in all this jealousy: you are actually good enough.
I feel completely inferior to her, all three of her. I feel powerless to be as good as her. I’m bigger, quieter, more awkward, overthinking, oversensitive, needy, needless. She gets what’s good. I get what’s left and that’s not a lot.
The soul sends pain; I now believe it sets it up before birth. I’m sounding like a quack, but I truly believe it, and Rabbi Lazer Brody backed me up to some degree. IF this is true, what is this pain sending me to correct? Feelings of inferiority. Unworthiness.
Why does my soul need to feel worthy?
I have sought out situations in my life that make me feel unworthy, to reinforce this lesson and to awaken me to the truth that I AM WORTHY. I just don’t know how that part works yet. I’m worthy? So what’s the point. How does the universe change if I get that? How is my soul rectified if I believe that?
So I could hide. So I wouldn’t have to try. So I wouldn’t worry about losing, because I had already lost.
How do I teach my soul it’s worthy? I am worthy. Hashem, please help me believe my worthiness. It’s one thing to know it with my brain. It’s another to feel it.
My brain goes to affirmations. Say something enough and you will believe it.
I am worthy.
I deserve the best.
Hashem wants the best for me.
Hashem values me.
I’m valuable to Hashem.