How to Protect Your Heart

The fear shudders through me.  The fear of not being protected by someone who is supposed to love me.  That betrayal.  That suspicion.  That unease.

I’ll never ever forget a Rebbetzin’s answer when I cried to her about a personal issue.  “You know who’s going to take care of you, Rina Miriam?” she asked me in her bold feisty way.

“Hashem?” I sniffled meekly, feeling so small and powerless in that moment.

“No, you!” she answered.  “YOU’re going to take care of you!”

Powerful woman.  Functional adult.

Healing from the reality that there is no protection.  There’s just no such thing.  Especially in other human beings.  I’m saying that not from a place of “I don’t trust anybody!” but from a place of “Don’t put too much trust in somebody else for your own outcome.”

The only safety we truly have in this life is our inner world, and our emuna (faith) in a Higher Power, a Creator, a Name, the Name.  Let’s be real – sometimes, we don’t know if we believe in Him because life just feels so messy.  Even when I know I can believe in Him, trusting Him in true heart-felt faith is a whole different story.

I have a relationship with someone who makes me shudder.  I shake when I communicate with this person.  How can I get over the shakes?  I want a sense of ease, an understanding, fearlessness, power.

I’m scared. I’m scared of what people can do.

What can they really do, Rina? Kill you?  You’re alive.  Kill your heart?  It’s okay, your heart’s alive too.  It’s your job to protect it and nurture it, listen to it and honor it.

I’m learning.

Keeping me me, keeping them them.  Keeping me in, keeping them out.  Boundaries.  Intuition.  All these Redemption words.

Someone told me my blog posts are like tefilos (prayers), and I happened to learn about tefilos today. Tefilos are not prayers.  Prayer is begging Hashem.  To change His mind, to do something different.  Jews don’t do that.  We accept that His mind is set, His mind is best.  So tefilos means something in Hebrew that I forgot, but which means (loosely) envisioning with your wildest dreams.  Tefilos change the person’s mind who says them.  Tefilos links the person’s mind with Hashem’s best will.  Tefilos reveals where we are and where we need to be, so we can move closer to Him and to emuna.  Tefilos reveals our heart, and G-d willing, changes it.

What is my tefila? Emuna!  Hashem help me trust You and thereby trust myself!  What is there to shake about if You are my trust?  Healing, please, healing.  Trust, please, trust.

Here’s the video I watched that explains tefilos better – long but worth it – How to Get Your Prayers Answered: Is Anyone Listening?