I had an emuna epiphany when I heard Rabbi Shalom Arush speak: it was “I am good enough and I can’t mess this up.” Apply that to basically anything. I’m applying that to dating and not being single forever, which at this moment feels torturous.
I had a crush on a guy. Sort of. I was confused. If you’re reading this, hi. Yes, I’m writing about you. Ha. I had a crush on a guy I kept talking to on the phone here and there or seeing here and there. Casually. But emotionally. It would get intense sometimes. This happened accidentally after the craziness of the child abuse situation last summer. I wasn’t meaning to talk to anyone. So I kept pushing him away. And he kept popping back up now and then. Casually and emotionally. Because a person like me can’t do casual without emotional. I just can’t.
Then I realized I don’t want to date (or talk) until I’m ready to Date and Talk. Like, for marriage. Otherwise, what’s the point and everyone’s emotions are just going to be toyed with, first of all mine. See above. I wanted to protect myself and my children. Plus my legal divorce (dragging on forever) isn’t even finished, and it would be a lot cleaner and clearer if that were done before I start planning the next one, right? The next marriage, I mean, not divorce. That makes sense right?
But I keep giving in and talking to him here and there, because I like him and I’m curious about this guy. (Hi, I’m curious about you.) And I’m lonely and sometimes a man’s voice is just more comforting than a woman’s voice, and is that just my codependence talking?
I really have no idea if I would marry him or not. I have no idea if that would be a good idea or not. I’m terrified to try anything with anyone ever ever again. (Is that the real reason I push him away with “wise words” as a cover?)
I’m supposed to be working on myself. I get it, Hashem! I’m supposed to be working on myself, but I have NEEDS!!! Will You, Master of the Universe, please validate my needs for one second and stop requiring me to have the willpower of an ox?! I am really, clearly not strong enough for this.
Do I keep thinking about this guy because he’s the only one in the past year that I’ve let leak into my heart a little bit and that feels good? Or because it could be Something? I don’t know.
He has not passed Tova’s grilling or Rabbi Goldberger’s sign-off or my Mom’s checklist; and at this point it feels weird to even backtrack to that stuff, yet that stuff is what I want. So do I just cross him off the list or figure out a way to backtrack to that screening process?
The questions continue. Should I really listen to the wise advice that says “Don’t even think about dating til you’re legally divorced and know what your situation is going to be.” Or should I stop torturing myself with all these rules and put Tova and Rabbi G and my mom and the guy on conference call and let them all hash it out? Maybe a Zoom meeting. So they could see him. Would the guy even want to be on that call? Or is he just lonely like me and talking to any girl who will listen? Tiniest font imaginable: am I special?
To the guy – is it weird that I’m asking all these vulnerable questions to my blog but I’m too scared to ask them to you? To the guy and all the other single men and women – may we all merit to do the work and find the one sooner than we think and stay strong as oxen in the meantime.
I wanted to put a pic of Beyonce singing “Single Ladies,” but this was the only one I could find of her mostly dressed. You’re welcome.