I saw your face in the darkness of my mind, with my eyes closed and covered by satin in a quiet yoga studio. I saw your face smiling gently, when you loved me, if you loved me.
The Soothing Mother reads poetry, truth: No Cloud Lasts Forever.
As I lay dead as The Corpse.
I let myself feel this cloud I’ve been in, this cloud of loss and grief and fear and instability, this cloud I run from. I hope for the cloud to pass, I tremble acknowledging its pain, my pain, then I let myself believe it will pass.
I remember being held by you and how that felt, and I remember it in the future, which doesn’t make sense. I remember when it will happen again by not you. I remember when it happened by Daddy, or didn’t happen. I feel it all in the dark with my eyes covered. This grief drowns me again.
How quickly things change, from love to hate, from comfort to abuse, from then to now.
How can someone hold you and leave you in the same breath? The same day. How can that smile be false? How can clouds and sun coexist? How can my heart heal enough to feel sun?
You actually loved me, but you’re sick. I don’t know which one I’m telling that to. All three of them. All three of them are one, and this is all about me, and Hashem am I healing? I don’t want sick anymore.
I hold in the wails in the darkness on my mat, because of fear of the other women laying in graves beside me; but I feel the wails inside. Abandonment. Abuse. Abandonment. Abuse. I see, all I see is your face, and all I feel is that past/present/future hug.
I feel what I want to feel when the sun shines again, if the sun shines again.
(Image is not me. Thank you to MindiMeira Blaxberg, the “Soothing Mother” of Bmore Health Coach & Yoga Studio.)