I just kissed my kids goodbye for Pesach night one, and my heart broke again. Why can’t we be a family? I’m angry at him. I’m angry at me. And I grasp for emuna like those silly movies where the girl clings to crumbling rocks on the edge of a cliff. Ready to fall to oblivion. Only no one reaches out a hand, and I’m just hanging there. Screaming.
You did this, Hashem. I can only be angry at You. And I am!
I don’t understand.
No matter what you don’t understand, I am.
I don’t like it.
No matter what you don’t like, I am.
It hurts like flesh tearing, bones breaking.
No matter what hurts, I am. Here.
I actually really hate it, and I’m dying a little every time I kiss those boys goodbye.
I am. Here.
Then Do something! What is the good? Where is the good? Am I any different than three years ago? Am I any better? Are any of us? That’s the terrifying possibility – that nothing is any better, or going to get any better. That this is it.
And what if this is it?
Coming out of the tears and self-pity, I think of the movie Passengers that I rented last night because it has my favorite actress Jennifer Lawrence in it. A man wakes up from a 120-year space journey 90 years too soon. After a year of trying to put himself back to sleep, he’s out of ideas and beyond lonely, so he wakes up another passenger – Jennifer. After a series of events I’ll spare the details, they have the opportunity to put one of them back into the only sleep pod that works and give that one the chance to live life as planned, or, option B, forget the pod and stay awake together alone on the ship for the rest of their “wasted” lives. Spoiler – they stay together. Somehow what once felt like murder to Jennifer (by waking her up, he took away her life!), becomes love and “a beautiful life” as she says in the end as they make the best of all the ship’s luxurious features and enjoy the galactic view from a starlit swimming pool.
What was I talking about? Ha. Making the best out of a wasted life. Making the best out of the crappy circumstances you find yourself in. Pesach alone. (Which thank G-d, won’t be actually alone for me, due to sweet friends.) I’m letting myself get a little sappy and depressed before the holidays. I just need to grieve it out, I think.
Thanks for reading,
Chag Pesach Kosher V’Sameach!! (Have a happy and kosher Passover holiday)