My Biggest Doubt About Religion

I’m not good enough.

It’s a limiting belief.

I’m learning that we attract situations into our lives to heal our limiting beliefs.  To keep rubbing at that raw spot until it’s bleeding so much you have to take it to the Doctor.

I am wondering, and despite all my Tall Talk about Judaism being true, I am wondering if religious people choose religion to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy, or possibly to keep feeling inadequate.  I am wondering if I chose this religious lifestyle to rub that not-good-enough wound.

Because it does.  Every time I don’t make a bracha (blessing) with my kids before they eat a cracker.  Every time I see a woman in a knee-length black skirt and I’m wearing a long swirly flowery one.  Every time I don’t have enough money.

That is not the religion.  That is the pressure.  I’m not here to explain the difference, but there’s a difference between the teachings themselves and the pressure we put on cultural “norms”.

I’m here to ask – how do I stop feeling not-good-enough?

(Christian dogma whispers in my heart – filthy rags, filthy rags, filthy rags, washed away, washed away, washed away. When will the Christian dogma be washed away? Ha!)

Emuna.  Faith.  I know faith is the answer.  Because when I’m in emuna, I know my goodness doesn’t even matter. It’s all about Hashem.  When I’m in emuna, I can accept my limitations 100% and know I’m perfect and whole.  If I do something awesome, it’s from Hashem! If I make a mistake, it’s from Hashem!

So, then, how do I stay in emuna?  Affirmations. Repetitions. Reading. Talking. PRAYING!

Whatever I am, is Yours, Hashem.  Whatever I’m not is because You haven’t given me the power yet.  Please give me the power.  That vision for myself, what I want to be, who I hope I’ll be, the one that measures up to “good enough” in my own head – help me get to Her.  But before that, just heal me so I’ll feel good enough now.  As me. For You. With You.