The Redemption Book

We are supposed to write a chapter about our personal redemption for a book Rivka Malka is making.  By we, I mean all of us who have been healed, inspired, challenged, etc on her Redemption Retreats.

So here goes mine.

I came to Rivka Malka’s retreat in May 2016 looking for healing and support during my divorce. I really just came because my best friend asked me to go with her.  I got a big message about Perspective.  I came home to my son in the hospital, having been brutally abused (physically) while I was on the retreat.

Hashem knew I would need the Retreat messages, the Retreat sisters, and ultimately Rivka Malka herself to get through the coming months.

Backtrack to the retreat.  I stood in a circle of grass at the Perlstone Center, with two partners for an activity.  A perspective activity.  We should pick any topic and practice looking at it from various perspectives, physically moving our bodies to a new spot for each perspective and pretending/visualizing the situation in the middle.  Our partners asked us questions about what we saw and felt.

Perspective 1:  I saw a big big mountain of dirt and grossness being held over my head.  Anxiety. Fear.  Pressure.

Perspective 2:  I saw myself alone in a gorgeous field in a glorious circle of light.  Dressed in a flowy hippy dress, flowers and sparkles in the air.

Perspective 3:  I saw myself in the same field in the same glorious circle of light, this time with my kids laughing and snuggling around me.

Which perspective do I choose?  Guess.

Two days later, I held my son in a hospital chair, blood pumping from a hole in his stomach.  He was two years old.  He was weak and stayed there 9 days.  My body shook with the betrayal of the person who did this to him, someone I told my son was a friend.  (Not my ex husband. I do not want anyone to ever think that.)  My heart ached with grief.

CPS came and took all three of my children into their “protection”, thank G-d with a family member.  I had to fight like a mama lioness for that.  They wanted to put my innocent boys with peyos (Jewish side curls) in a non-kosher home with strangers.  I could only see them for an hour a week, for a supervised visit in a cold social services conference room.  I had to let my abused son sleep in a hospital alone while CPS got its paperwork straight.  I am still angry about that.

I grieved and feared in my home for six weeks.  I worried about my kids.  My mother slept in my bed with me; I needed that much comfort.  The Whatsap group with my Retreat Soul Sisters was the light in my life.  I spent hours on it, with them.  I listened to Levi Robin’s Mighty Waters song again and again and again. I pled for mercy.  I cried my heart out.

I fought CPS, I fought my understandably angry ex-husband, I fought my nasty inner voice.

Emuna started coming.  The phrase Ein Od Milvado:  Hashem, you are G-d, there is none other.  I would repeat it.  It was my only hope.  Hashem’s love and purpose were my only hope.  I looked at every detail from the perspective of emuna… when I wasn’t in my bed watching depressing YouTube conspiracy videos.  It was a battle!  Life is a battle.

He rescued me.  My kids came home.  My kids came home!!!!  My son lived. My son LIVED!  My son is okay, with a few scars.

Beyond that, deeper than those amazing yeshuos (salvations), I got emuna (faith).  I got steps, miles closer to clarity.  I’m still getting there.  “There” is death and we don’t get “there” til we die.  If that makes any sense without sounding too morbid.

I became an employee of Redemption, joining Rivka Malka’s team and helping recruit other women to start or continue or coach healing journeys. I love my job so much!

I started writing again.  My writing had been buried for years under insecurities and false beliefs and excuses.  I made a blog to write my feelings out.

This is a very very short chapter.  Redemption is a long highway and the blink of an eye and painful and therapeutic.  Redemption is finding yourself in all the gunk, finding G-d in all the gunk.  Redemption is BELIEVING Hashem is G-d, there is no other.  Redemption is believing everything is for the best, from a loving Creator.  Redemption is getting your life on track toward your real soul purpose.  Redemption is being brave and authentic.  Redemption is Moshiach coming very soon and a new rebuilt Temple in Yerushalayim!  I can’t wait for that part.  But Redemption is already here and possible in each and every one of us who believes.

“And now, so said the L-rd, your Creator, O Jacob, and the One Who formed you, O Israel, ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you, and I called by your name, you are Mine.'” ~Isaiah/Yesheyahu 43:2

I made the collage below at that first Redemption Retreat; my idea was to start at the bottom in darkness and work myself up to the light.  I find it eerily and blissfully prophetic and hope some of it is yet to be fulfilled!

Thanks for reading,