So here goes mine.
I came to Rivka Malka’s retreat in May 2016 looking for healing and support during my divorce. I really just came because my best friend asked me to go with her. I got a big message about Perspective. I came home to my son in the hospital, having been brutally abused (physically) while I was on the retreat.
Hashem knew I would need the Retreat messages, the Retreat sisters, and ultimately Rivka Malka herself to get through the coming months.
Backtrack to the retreat. I stood in a circle of grass at the Perlstone Center, with two partners for an activity. A perspective activity. We should pick any topic and practice looking at it from various perspectives, physically moving our bodies to a new spot for each perspective and pretending/visualizing the situation in the middle. Our partners asked us questions about what we saw and felt.
Perspective 1: I saw a big big mountain of dirt and grossness being held over my head. Anxiety. Fear. Pressure.
Perspective 2: I saw myself alone in a gorgeous field in a glorious circle of light. Dressed in a flowy hippy dress, flowers and sparkles in the air.
Perspective 3: I saw myself in the same field in the same glorious circle of light, this time with my kids laughing and snuggling around me.
Which perspective do I choose? Guess.
Two days later, I held my son in a hospital chair, blood pumping from a hole in his stomach. He was two years old. He was weak and stayed there 9 days. My body shook with the betrayal of the person who did this to him, someone I told my son was a friend. (Not my ex husband. I do not want anyone to ever think that.) My heart ached with grief.
CPS came and took all three of my children into their “protection”, thank G-d with a family member. I had to fight like a mama lioness for that. They wanted to put my innocent boys with peyos (Jewish side curls) in a non-kosher home with strangers. I could only see them for an hour a week, for a supervised visit in a cold social services conference room. I had to let my abused son sleep in a hospital alone while CPS got its paperwork straight. I am still angry about that.
I grieved and feared in my home for six weeks. I worried about my kids. My mother slept in my bed with me; I needed that much comfort. The Whatsap group with my Retreat Soul Sisters was the light in my life. I spent hours on it, with them. I listened to Levi Robin’s Mighty Waters song again and again and again. I pled for mercy. I cried my heart out.
I fought CPS, I fought my understandably angry ex-husband, I fought my nasty inner voice.
Emuna started coming. The phrase Ein Od Milvado: Hashem, you are G-d, there is none other. I would repeat it. It was my only hope. Hashem’s love and purpose were my only hope. I looked at every detail from the perspective of emuna… when I wasn’t in my bed watching depressing YouTube conspiracy videos. It was a battle! Life is a battle.
He rescued me. My kids came home. My kids came home!!!! My son lived. My son LIVED! My son is okay, with a few scars.
Beyond that, deeper than those amazing yeshuos (salvations), I got emuna (faith). I got steps, miles closer to clarity. I’m still getting there. “There” is death and we don’t get “there” til we die. If that makes any sense without sounding too morbid.
I became an employee of Redemption, joining Rivka Malka’s team and helping recruit other women to start or continue or coach healing journeys. I love my job so much!
I started writing again. My writing had been buried for years under insecurities and false beliefs and excuses. I made a blog to write my feelings out.
This is a very very short chapter. Redemption is a long highway and the blink of an eye and painful and therapeutic. Redemption is finding yourself in all the gunk, finding G-d in all the gunk. Redemption is BELIEVING Hashem is G-d, there is no other. Redemption is believing everything is for the best, from a loving Creator. Redemption is getting your life on track toward your real soul purpose. Redemption is being brave and authentic. Redemption is Moshiach coming very soon and a new rebuilt Temple in Yerushalayim! I can’t wait for that part. But Redemption is already here and possible in each and every one of us who believes.
“And now, so said the L-rd, your Creator, O Jacob, and the One Who formed you, O Israel, ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you, and I called by your name, you are Mine.'” ~Isaiah/Yesheyahu 43:2
I made the collage below at that first Redemption Retreat; my idea was to start at the bottom in darkness and work myself up to the light. I find it eerily and blissfully prophetic and hope some of it is yet to be fulfilled!
Thanks for reading,