Here are the fires. I will jump right to them, the hard stuff, the hot stuff.
Brutal Child Abuse.
CPS. Child Protective Services.
Losing Your Children.
The Legal System in General.
Other Wars. Emotional Ones. Relational Ones. PR Ones for Your Reputation.
Bleeding Children. Especially when they are your own.
I’m crying about hospitals. I always hated them.
Are you still reading?
Jewish People You Hoped Were Better than That.
Christian Leaders can be put here too. Religious Authorities from my childhood.
Government Conspiracies (ha! I am serious!)
Lies Again. More Lies.
And the fires are dwindling now. The fires of my resentment, and frustration, and deep pain. Hashem, please put them out.
Remember when He told me He started them? (See blog post 1.) I asked Hashem, “WHO ARE YOU?!” through tears and struggling and BURNING, and He answered, “The One who put the ocean there. The One who started all the fires. The One who loves you.”
This is the greatest, weirdest, most powerful paradox, the essence of emuna (faith in Hebrew). Everything, bad, ugly, painful, EVERY FIRE, is being started by G-d out of love for you. Can you GET THAT?! I’m getting the smallest, tiniest taste of it, and it is FREEDOM and REDEMPTION.
My big list up there, came from Hashem, my Creator. Yes, it came from my own choices, failures, and those of generations before me, but even my failures are tools in His hand. He gives me power to succeed or not. I’m feeling myself get too preachy, and I have no clue if you’re with me, so I’m backing off for now.
I will write more about The Fires. I’m trying to figure out how to do it truthfully without loshon hara and authentically without tooooo many personal details.
Thank you for reading.