I have a big confession. I haven’t written in a very long time, not for real, and I am scared. Scared of vulnerability, rejection, judgment, error, and more. Scared of you. My friends who support me. Whoever you are reading this, taking your time and caring what I have to say. So I’ll quit with the fear and start with the writing. (The fear is still there).
I’m planning to be messy here. I’m a mom of 3, single now, busy, two jobs, tired. I’m not planning on editing the heck out of it. =) I’m trying to be forgiving. I have no idea what will come out here except for insecurities which you are already seeing. But I’m gonna write them out of my system until the good writing comes out and the message comes out. Whatever that is.
Here’s what I hope it is – Emuna. Hebrew for FAITH. That’s such an annoying, cliche religious word. A word I grew up with in the Christian Deep South. Buh-lieve! as they smacked the Bible over your head (figuratively of course). A word that finally has meaning to me. Emuna changes everything.
Hmm. This feels awesome.
My therapist today, yes, I have a therapist, said that feelings MUST be expressed or they will be trapped within you. Exactly what you’re hoping to avoid by not expressing them. Counter-productive. Or is it counter-intuitive?
This blog is my expression. Of years of guilt, shame, hope, disappointment, hiding, trying, climbing, falling, hurting, searching, finding, losing, receiving, releasing, and doing it all over again.
Below is the generic starter image my blog gave me, but I’m leaving it, because I love it and all things beach related… reminds me of a song I have mixed feelings about – love the song, hurt for the relationship I associate with it – by Rachel Platten – “Just a small boat in the ocean, sending big waves into motion… Like how a single word can make a heart open.”
I hope to open hearts. Your heart. To Hashem. And love. And truth.
I asked Him recently, WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY!? And He said (or at least my mind said), “The One who put the ocean there. The One who started all the fires. The One who loves you.” I’ll talk about the fires later, soon. For now, look at the ocean. And believe He loves you too.
With love and growing joy,