I wrote a piece in college called “The Anti-Perfection Rebellion.” It’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever written because it represents my first taste of self-awareness and freedom from yucky false beliefs from childhood. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved!! I’m hoping I can find it and share it on my new blog!
It is the light of day, and I started this blog yesterday, yesterday on Rosh Chodesh Nissan. That means, the first day of the Hebrew month Nissan, the month associated with the energy miracles, the month of Passover. There is special special power and holiness on the first day of each month, power for women, because we didn’t participate in the sin of worshiping the golden calf.
I prayed yesterday that I could tap into that energy of miracles, and then my blog came out. I’d say that’s a huge miracle, considering I’ve been avoiding writing for a very long time. I wasn’t planning on starting a blog yesterday.
Part of what helped me do it, is the idea of letting go of perfection. Who cares if the style is right or the words are right or if I have a plan of what to write or if people judge my most vulnerable thoughts? (I mean, honestly I do. I kinda care about ALL that!) Last night I showed a lot of imperfections and got a lot of beautiful feedback.
In the Jewish world, I feel the pressure everyone puts on themselves for perceived perfection. The perfect outfit. The perfect children. The perfect Torah observance. Meanwhile I’m the one with poop freshly scrubbed off my skirt (because I really want to wear it!), the run in my stockings hiding under muddy shoes, and the kids climbing on the car. On Shabbos. I’m the one who needs the brachas (blessings) all transliterated or in English. I’m the one who finds the simple act of washing my hands every morning extremely forgettable.
Acceptance. Self-acceptance. Others-acceptance. What is all this attempted perfection getting us anyway? Competition, superficiality, dying souls, hiding souls.
Recent humiliating circumstances have burned a lot of perfection out of me, have forced more authenticity and humility. Part of Hashem’s reason for The Fires, I suppose.
I just Googled “kids climbing on cars” to find an image for this post and that doesn’t exist. Am I the only one whose boys do this?
Talk to you soon. I may be addicted to blogging. Please comment so I know who’s reading.